Sunday, December 28, 2008

On Cartoons

Editor's Note: The following post might end up sounding like Andy Rooney. If you are one of those people who turn off 60 minutes before he starts talking, you might not enjoy this post. Sorry, but I just have to post on this subject, and I can't think of a way to do it without sounding like an old man with bushy eyebrows.

What the hell happened to cartoons? It's the weekend. It's the morning. Why can't I find any good cartoons? The stuff that is on is garbage. And it's not just network television. The stuff on cable isn't much better. As I see it, I have at least 4 channels that should get me some quality cartoons: Cartoon Network, Noggin, Nick, and Disney. Cartoon Network comes closest. They at least carry some good old school cartoons, they just bury them. In college we found out that they had the smurfs, but they only had them on from 3-4 AM. For about a week we set our alarm clocks for 3AM and woke up for smurfs. And by 'we', I mean I convinced my roommates that they should wake up and watch smurfs with me.

Anyway, Cartoon Network seems to save prime time for this anime stuff. I think there's an accent mark somewhere in Anime, but since I don't understand or like it, I'm not going to dignify it with proper punctuation. I tried to give this anime stuff a shot. I just don't get it. Put it in a box with Harry Potter, Radiohead, and Fax Machines. Label the box "Stuff that I really tried to understand but I just don't get it."

So Cartoon Network is out. So are Nick and Disney. I try to watch them sometimes. When Kate is around, she calls me a dirty old man (it's usually some tween comedy on there) for watching Disney. Doesn't Disney have the licensing rights to all of their cartoons? Why spend money creating new shows when they could just show today's kids all of the stuff that we watched? And every time I turn on Nickelodeon, that damn Drake and Josh show is on. I don't know why, but something makes me want to punch those kids. 

And then there's Noggin. I watched a couple hours of Noggin last night (we'll call it research) and almost had a seizure. Somewhere between "Pinky Dinky Doo" and "Wa Wa Wubzy" I realized that they aren't even trying with plot or character development. It's basically just a bunch of shapes and bright colors bouncing around. We should show this stuff to terrorists to try to break them. I'm no scientist, but I think Noggin is one of the major causes of half of the child population being on Ritalin. 

So I'm starting my own cartoons-only station. Here's a sample day of programming:

6:00 AM - 8:00 AM - Smurfs. I love Smurfs.
8:00 AM - 9:00 AM - Woody Woodpecker. Basically just so I can watch Chilly Willy. He really made that show.
9:00 - 10:00 - Tiny Toon Adventures. Mostly for the theme song.
10:00 - 11:00 - Scooby Doo. We'd put a strong emphasis on episodes that included the Harlem Globetrotters
11:00 - Noon - Garfield + U.S. Acres. The U.S. Acres characters really made this show. I mean, a walking talking egg? A pig named Orson? I think this was the only cartoon pig not named after a pig food product. Think about it, they aways name them stuff like Bacon or Hampton or Porky. Lame.
Noon - 1:00 - Muppet Babies. I put this on at noon because some days I'm gone at lunch, and I don't think I could take baby gonzo and baby fozzy everyday. They overact sometimes. 
1:00 - 2:00 - Duck Tales. I always wanted to go swimming in Uncle Scrooge's money.
2:00 - 3:00 - Captain Planet. Terrible show, but I do an awesome impression of Ma-Ti (the 'Heart' character)
3:00 - 4:00 - Inspector Gadget. Great show. Penny was hot. There, I said it.
4:00 - 5:00 - Gummy Bears. I now think that some company like Balco created this show so that people who grew up in the 80s wouldn't see anything wrong with taking something like steroids to get bigger, faster and stronger. It's basically just Gummy Berry Juice, right?
5:00 - 6:00 - Thundercats. Snarf.
6:00 - 7:00 - Heathcliff. I have no idea why he doesn't get more respect as a good cartoon. He is so much cooler than Garfield. They're pretty much the same cat, but Heathcliff is out being a badass at a junkyard while Garfield is just sitting on his fat ass talking about lasagna and listening to his whiny owner. Sorry for the language, but I'm pretty passionate about this one. Oh, and I've always wanted to hook up John Arbuckle with Cathy (Eeek!). I think they'd be perfectly miserable together. 

So that's my daily programming. There are plenty of others that we can put in from 7P - 6A. I have a few others that I like, but none of them deserve a daily slot. If you'd like to make a case for your favorite cartoon, I'll take it into consideration.


crs said...

I'm fairly certain you missed some things. Namely Animaniacs. And Pinky & the Brain. And Freakazoid. And I think there should a be a four hour block some time during which only episodes of classic Warner Bros. cartoons are shown, on account of I love Road Runner cartoons.

Nate Romance said...

agree on the classic warner brothers. Complete oversight on my part. I'll give you Animaniacs as well. The others were a little after my time. Also considered Ren and Stimpy for a slot, maybe after the kids go to bed.

Al Iverson said...

Would it kill you to read a book, you grumpy old shit?? :P

Nate Romance said...

Hey there. I'm actually reading Outliers right now. It's a good read, but not half as cool as Scooby and Shaggy hooping it up with the Globetrotters.

crs said...

Ren & Stimpy was just slightly before my time. The only reason I wanted to watch it as a kid was because my parents were so very opposed to me having anything to do with it. Same with Beavis and Buthead, which was distinctly not funny.

Anonymous said...

GI Joe, Transformers, Strawberry Shortcake, and my ALL time favorite:

Jem! and the Holograms

Yes, really.

Glad you're back to posting.

Nate Romance said...

Jem is indeed awesome. Didn't she have some kind of battle of the bands/pissing match with Barbie and the Rockers?

G.I. Joe is the best join the military cartoon ever. Even better than The Simpsons boy band parody of "Yvan eht nioj."

Dusty said...

I just realized that Comcast has a ton of old Tom and Jerry cartoons ONdemand. Bomb!

Anonymous said...

What about the Snorks? Classic cartoon.

Nate Romance said...

Snorks are pretty badass. All Star was sort of a pansy. I think he was yellow. I think my dad tried to make me a homemade Snork stuffed animal back in the day. It didn't come out as well as his homemade Pound Puppy or homemade Cabbage Patch Kid. I'm not sure if he was being cheap, or just hates shopping that much.

Legal Eagle said...

Cartoons Nate Missed:

1. He-Man (made homo-erotic cool long before Top Gun), and who are you kidding Nate, those of us who know you well remeber you a bigger fan of She-Ra, Princess of the Universe!

2. Thundar the Barbarian (made hom-eroticism cool long before He-Man)

3. Silver Hawks (spinoff, was to ThunderCats what Melrose Place was to Beverly Hills 90210)

4. Scooby Doo- but with the emphasis on epsiodes guest staring Don KNots, Jonathon Winters and/or Mama Cass

5.Smurfs (the episode where the go along biting one another on the ass, turning evil and purple uttering the terrifying phrase "G'napp!", widing considered the holy grail of Smurf Episodes to true enthusiasts)

Nate said...

Andrew, er, Legal Eagle - Totally right about He-Man. Even his name sounds masculine (x2). You mentioned Top Gun. Come to think of it, He-Man did sort of look like a young Val Kilmer. Can't believe I forget about the smurf ass biting. I was also thinking about the smurflings a little bit. It always made me happy that there was another female smurf (so smurfette wasn't entirely responsible for procreation) but then I remembered that the smurflings are just kids, so hopefully that girl smurfling was safe.

Amanda said...

I'd watch your channel. But I second Freakazoid (watch some episodes on youtube... they're brilliant. Or if you can't find them, I have the entire series on my computer and I can send you a disk).

Don't forget about Voltron (and/or Transformers), Jonny Quest (both classic and new) and The Tick. Could you make room for the Wacky Races too? And David the Gnome?

Also, two Nick shows of recent years that were good: Invader Zim and Avatar.

I clearly watch[ed] too much TV.

Amy said...

I liked Shirt Tales, Monchhichis, and The Littles. I loved Scooby Doo, but couldn't stand the episodes where Scrappy was visiting. What a little pain in the butt. And Space Ghost, The Great Grape Ape Show, and Dynomutt: Dog Wonder. I think my brother and I single-handedly kept Hanna Barbera in business. What about The Flintstones? And there was some Shark show I watched, too. It might have been Jabberjaw, but I can't find a good clip on youtube to check. Spiderman and those friends that walked on ice and stuff.

Anonymous said...

You couldn't be more correct re: Noggin. Their tagline is something like "Preschool on TV". There should be no such thing as preschool on TV.

"We're tiny, we're toony, we're all a little loony"...timeless lyrics for the ages.

Anonymous said...

...please where can I buy a unicorn?

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