Thursday, April 2, 2009

Summer Plans

It's that time of year again (check local listings). There are leaves on the trees, the birds are chirping, and there are lots of door to door people trying to get me to buy everything from gutter cleaning to tree trimming to lawn care.

The lawn care guy came to our door today. He was from the TruGreen -ChemLawn company, I think. And why the hell would they include "ChemLawn" in their name? I think I'd try to downplay the use of chemicals, but what do I know. Anyway, TruGreen guy is warmly greeted by Kate (never really interested in dealing with a door to door salesman) and Gilbert (who was already in a bad mood because it was raining outside and he couldn't go to the bark park). So the doorbell rings and Gilbert starts barking like crazy. Kate gets the door because I'm lazy and don't feel like leaving my couch and Martha Stewart for five minutes. I know I didn't enter Publisher's Clearing House this month so there's no chance it's the prize patrol. Kate answers, realizes it's the lawn chemical guy, and responds with a firm (but polite) "no thank you, my husband takes care of the lawn." I loved it. It was delivered with the right amount of voice inflection, and had the undertone of traditional gender roles that are so not us. It could've only been better if she would've finished it off with "now if you'll excuse me, I have a roast in the oven to attend to. I said good day sir." 

Anyway, chemical man didn't stop there. The rejection before his pitch and the barking dog did not stop this guy from delivering his killer close-the-deal line of "what are your plans for your lawn this summer?" Kate responded with a quick "to mow it" and that was that. It was short and just enough smartass to get him to go away. 

After Chemlawn man left, the four of us (Kate, Me, Gilbert, and Martha) sat around and discussed how we could've answered that question better. Well, it was basically just Kate and I discussing it, but Martha and Gil were both there too. Anyway, how the hell are you supposed to respond to a question like "What are your plans for your lawn this summer?" We came up with several options. Feel free to borrow any of these if the TruGreen guy comes to your door:

TruGreen Man: What are your plans for your lawn this summer?

You: I'm not sure. We were thinking of taking the lawn to see my folks up in Wisconsin. But probably only the front lawn, because the back lawn gets car sick.


You: Well, we're going to enroll the lawn in a summer reading program at the public library. We want it to stay sharp and to keep on learning even during the summer months. Oh, and lawn is on the waiting list for swimming lessons at the YMCA, so keep your fingers crossed!


You: We've got a lot of things lined up for the lawn this summer. Including, but not limited to: letting the dog pee on it. Pounding some metal stakes into it and throwing some horses shoes back and forth, and probably digging some holes in it at some point.


You: We're probably going to take it easy this summer. Lawn had a big year last year (with the trip to Europe and all) so we'll probably just stay around here. I mean, lawn will grow and get cut and then grow and get cut, but that's about it. We'll probably do that every week or so.


You: We're planning on digging up the entire lawn, donating the grass to science, and then paving the entire yard.

That's all we could come up with. Then Martha butted in with something about making your own honey or something like that so we stopped thinking about the TruGreen guy and his silly question.  Again, feel free to borrow these, or share your own suggestions as comments.


Anonymous said...

I actually prefer "to mow it" =)

Jessica said...

I loved them all (and your sense of humor very much)! And say hello to Martha for me.

Nate said...

Shelby - I guess we wasted our time then...first thought is sometimes the best. AND we could've focused more on that first segment of Martha.

Jessica - Thanks and she sends her regards.

KLM said...

Perfect night cap.. Only now my abs hurt (from laughing) and I'm wide awake..

Anonymous said...

Two things about these door to door lawn care / gutter cleaning / house number writing / lawn edging / etc. salespeople really irk me. First is the fact that I'm perfectly capable of looking up their numbers in the phone book if I'm interested. It isn't like they don't advertise enough. Second is that they don't take a polite 'no thank you' for an answer even after they interrupt your day. I guess that's where your 'you say' responses come in. Here's another one although it could get you arrested: You say 'I was thinking of turning my lawn into a cemetery for door to door salespeople who interrupt my day'...'you don't by any chance sell headstones?'

Leanne said...

This post is too funny... I want to know what the lawn guy would have said had you used one of those responses.

Christina said...

I actually burst out laughing, both at Kate's response and then your suggested responses afterward. Door-to-door sales people are so annoying, it's almost like they won't leave you alone unless you are rude to them! If they come back, PLEASE use one of your alternate responses and then tell us how it goes...there's no way I could get through one of those without ending up doubled over laughing, and then they would just think I was insane or completely drunk (which might get rid of them quicker...hmmm, I may be onto something here).

Kori (All Things B.) said...

What a coincidence! My back yard gets car sick too! hahaha!

Kath said...


Is this a Willy Wonka reference?

I said good day sir."

Nate said...

KERF - Yes. I could've gone with "I want an oompa loompa now daddy" but that just wouldn't have made sense.