Competitive Eater/Reality Show Weight Loss Contestant: This one combines my two greatest strengths. I don't know if I have what it takes to be a competitive eater. I've never really pushed myself to limits like eating six pounds of corned beef or 50+ hot dogs. I just know that I don't ever really get full, and I assume that is a prerequisite for the gig. And the competitive weight loss thing - yeah, that's right up my alley. Did I really just use that expression? What the hell is that? But it would be like six months of gaining weight with competitive eating, then being a recurring character on The Biggest Loser. Most people would probably consider that a failure, I'd consider it to be a steady income.
Corporate Conference Room Namer - As I type that, I realize that it sounds like a 'real men of genius' commercial. Fun fact...did y'all know that the guy who sings the real men of genius commericals is the former lead singer of Survivor. That's right, the guy who sings the songs about the 'Big Cooler Cooler Roller Guy' also sang 'Eye of the Tiger.' Thanks for that, VH1. But anyway, every business has some kind of naming convention for their conference rooms. Half of them are good. Half of them are terrible. This is based on a few years worth of experience visiting clients in their offices, so N > 30 here. Anyway, most of them have some sort of theme, like 'famous sports complexes' or 'opposites' or 'travel destinations.' My job here would be to evaluate the current theme, identify if a better one exists, and if so, come up with new conference names and an implementation strategy. I would do this job for free.
PETA Letter Writer - I stole this one from my friend Natalie. She told me about a letter that PETA sent to the president of Palm Beach Atlantic University. Their college mascot is some kind of fish. PETA asked them to change their mascot to the 'sea kittens' because it would make people more sympathetic to fish and less likely to kill/eat them. Who comes up with this stuff? As I've said before, I'm not a crunchy vegan hippie, but I do care about the environment, etc. But this is incredible. Sea Kittens? I think PETA can do better than this. I think there are a lot of people out there (myself included) who think that cats are pretty lame. So Sea Kittens doesn't make me more sympathetic. Maybe little dolphins, or Sea Monkeys would've worked better. Wait, I think Sea Monkeys might already be taken. So my friend Natalie gave me this one, and said that her husband wanted to apply for this job. I don't want to get into a resume battle with him, but still think it would be a pretty cool job.
Reality Show Persona Creator and Matchmaker - Sort of a long title, but I think I could fit it onto a business card. My role models here are Mary-Ellis Bunim and Jonathan Murray from The Real World. They came up with some great personas/stereotypes like "vindictive gay guy" and "southern guy who doesn't realize he's an evil bigot". I think I could come up with more of those, and then put decide which ones to pair up on a reality show and it would be great. Of course, it would just be a lot of yelling and fighting, but that's pretty much what any good reality show is anyway.
Movie Trailer Maker Guy - So I think everyone has a problem with movie trailers that give away all of the good jokes in the movie. And I'm sure that studios don't like it so much when the trailer makes the movie look really lame and then nobody goes to see it. I think this would be a pretty fantastic job because I could watch the movies before they come out, and then basically determine who would go see the movie when its in the theatre.
So that's all the time I have for tonight. If you have any dream jobs that you'd like to list, go for it.