The Envelope Please

Hi Everyone,

Thought I'd do an Oscars blog post, because:

1. I couldn't think of anything else to write about

2. Having a running blog is the only way I'm gonna make it to the end of this thing

3. I've always been fascinated with those running blog post things during events, and didn't really know how people do it, so I'm gonna give it a shot.

Opening Number. I'm a big fan of this one. At first, I was a little bummed about Hugh Jackman hosting. Mostly because I was pissed that he won 'Sexiest Man Alive.' I take that award very seriously, and I don't find him all that attractive. Anyway, that opening number was pretty damn funny. And he's a really good dancer. Now I feel better about the Sexist Man Alive title. In three minutes I just became a Hugh Jackman fan.

Best Actress. Penelope Cruz? Of the five nominees, she was the only one that I didn't want to win. Mostly because it was also the only movie (of those nominated) that I haven't seen. She's fine, I guess. I really thought that any of the other nominees should've won, because:

Viola Davis - Best performance of the year. Pretty good reason why she should've won.

Amy Adams - Cute as a button. I know it's a grandpa expression, but I can't think of any other way to describe her.

Marisa Tomei - I just say The Wrestler today, and she was pretty good. Plus, she had to put up with Mickey Rourke's crazy ass during awards season and during filming.

Taraji P. Henson - I didn't think she was all that great, but I do a pretty awesome impression of her character in Benjamin Button. If she won an Oscar, it wouldn't be such a damn obscure impression.

Screenplay (Original and Adapted). Sorry, I missed these two. I was typing the previous paragraph during that one. It took me awhile to figure out how to spell 'Taraji'. I don't think spell check would catch that one. Squiggly line for sure. Maybe I should only type during commercials or something. I did enjoy the Tina Fey and Steve Martin combo. He should just act in stuff that she writes. That would mean no more Pink Panther movies.

Animated Feature. I haven't seen any of these movies, but people have told me that Wall-E was good. Since I'm living alone these days, I don't think I can really go to animated movies. I think it's okay to go to the movies alone (and I have). But it's a little creepy when a guy in his 20s shows up to an animated movie alone, so there you have it. One also appreciates Jack Black's comedic timing a whole lot more when contrasted with Jennifer Anniston's awkwardness. Kate will probably give me shit for that one (she's a big fan of Jennifer). Oh well.

Animated Short. Can you actually see these in a movie theatre. I've been to some pretty damn artsy movie theatres, but I've never seen any of these animated foreign short movies on the marquee. Can they charge full price for a 30 minute cartoon with subtitles? Wait, the winning movie has a French title, but the guy accepting the award is clearly Japanese. I'm confused. Did he just quote Styx in his acceptance speech? Yep. that was definitely Mr. Roboto. Awesome. 

(commercial break). Instead of watching another Hyundai commercial and trying to figure out that whole 'if you get fired we'll give you your money back' thing, I'll comment a little bit about the red carpet special (yes, I watched that too). Robin Roberts is asking the first time nominees if they ever expected to be there. It's a decent question, I guess. But she was on SportsCenter like five years ago, so it seems like they could ask her that question too.

Art Direction. I'm a little tired of Sarah Jessica Parker wearing the ballerina dress thing. Someone please tell her that you aren't supposed to steal stuff from your mom's closet when you're in your 40s. I'm done with her until SATC 2 comes out. So Benjamin Button won this one. I don't really understand what art direction is, so I can't say if it was worthy or not. I enjoyed the movie, so we'll say it's well-deserved. 

Costume Design. The Duchess won this one. Not only have I not seen this movie, but I didn't know that it existed before tonight. Please hold while I save this one in my Netflix queue. Okay. I'm back now. This dude giving the speech is pretty full of himself. I guess I would be too if I just won an Oscar. I wonder if there's more pressure on the costume design guys to dress well at these things. I'd say yes. 

Make-up. Yeah, Benjamin Button probably deserved this one. They did make Brad Pitt look like a little old man. I have a feeling that he'll be a more attractive old man than his character in this movie, but whatever.

Random People on Stage. The daughter from Mamma Mia sort of looks like a young Tori Spelling. I guess you can decide if that's a compliment or not. And the guy presenter is the guy from Twilight. I've already provided my feelings on that in a previous post. They just played a really strange montage. It was like love scenes in movies of 2008. It included really good movie clips (Revolutionary Road, Milk, etc) and then scenes from High School Musical 3 and SATC. I felt like I was listening to a really good mix CD that then has that one crappy song on it. Probably because it has some significance to the person who burned it. Like the dude who edited the montage is Zac Efron's dad or something.

Cinematography. Ben Stiller's Joaquin Phoenix thing would've worked better if it wasn't Natalie Portman presenting with him. Most of the people who would've gotten that joke are probably busy staring at her. They should've gotten Letterman to present with him. Here's another one where I don't really know what the award is for. Slumdog Millionaire won. I guess it was really cinematographic. Whatever that means. How obscure does an award have to be to end up on the Scientific and Technical awards a couple weeks before? How about we cut Cinematography from the big show and keep the extra five minutes just in case Mickey Rourke wins for best actor. Or just let Hugh Jackman do another musical number. That was pretty damn funny.

(commercial break). This is going to be the longest blog post ever. Sorry about that. This is a really long show. On the bright side, it'll make my typical long blog posts look short by comparison.

Best Live Action Short. I haven't seen any of these, so I'll just write about the presenters instead. Seth Rogen looks really skinny. Good for him, but I'm sort of bummed. I always use him as a test for myself. I know that when people say things like "you kind of look like the guy from Knocked Up" then it's time for me to lose weight. Now that his weight is going down, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do when people say things like that to me. Oh well.   

Tribute to Musicals. Wait a minute? Beyonce is singing Etta James again. Etta's really gonna be pissed now. I'm expecting big things on TMZ tomorrow. And what value did the High School Musical people really add to this? And the young Tori Spelling-looking girl from Mamma Mia? I know they were in musicals, but not necessary. Bleh. 

Best Supporting Actor. Anything that gets me more time with Christopher Walken and Kevin Klein at the same time is a good thing. It almost makes up for having Cuba Gooding Jr. on stage. Heath Ledger won this one. That's all I'm gonna say about that. This blog frequently crosses the line and goes away from good taste, but not on this one. 

Documentary. Haven't seen any of these. Bill Mahr just sort of made a Heath Ledger joke. Too soon, man. If someone ever made a documentary about my life, I don't think I'd want it to be nominated for an Oscar. Because if it lost to a film about someone else's life, I'd probably take it personally. I'd think that the loss meant my life wasn't as impressive as the life of the guy who won. Oh, Man on Wire won. I saw that guy on CBS Sunday Morning today, which is sort of like watching the movie.

Outstanding Visual Effects. How do I have grey/gray hair, yet Will Smith looks like he could still be the Fresh Prince? Dude is like 40-something. I doubt Carlton still looks that good. I think Benjamin Button won.

Sound Editing. In order to know which movie had the best editing, would've you have to know what the raw footage sounded like? What if the sound was just really really good to begin with. Maybe there was no editing necessary. Oh well. Dark Knight won. I remember that movie being really loud. I guess that's good sound editing. 

Film Editing. See comments above. What if they cut out the best parts? Can they only vote on this one after looking at the DVD bonus footage?

Jerry Lewis Tribute. I don't get Jerry Lewis. I don't think it has anything to do with him being famous before I was born. I don't think I would've gotten him even if he was acting today. I think it's how I'll feel in 40 years when Radiohead wins a lifetime achievement award at the Grammys. I guess it is a humanitarian award, and he deserves that. Wait a minute, how is he just getting the humanitarian award this year? That telethon has been around for like 50 years. Could've they have given him this in the 70s or something?

(commercial break). Only 45 minutes left. We can do this!

Best Original Score - Dumb Category. All sounds the same to me. Have you noticed that these are getting shorter as we go on?

Best Original Song. Boycotting this category because Bruce Springsteen's song from The Wrestler wasn't nominated. And because I need to let Gilbert out.

Tribute to people who have died. Queen Latifah is singing. I was hoping she'd sing U.N.I.T.Y. but I guess that wouldn't make sense here. I always wondered how famous of an actor you have to be to make the list of dead people. I'm guessing there's a meeting, and they have to weigh the artistic merits of all of the people who have died. That would be a really depressing meeting. 

Best Director. I think the actors, actresses, and all of the people who work on the movie should determine this one. Like some sort of employee satisfaction survey. Slumdog guy won this one. Not a big surprise there. I'm okay with it. I like listening to him talk. Good accent. Also, I never really understood why they wait until the last ten minutes of the show to give all four of the major awards. I understand keeping a couple of them until the end so you can keep people watching, but there's about a two hour lull in the middle of this show. I think if the show was on the East coast, they'd probably speed it up a bit. 

Best Actress. I kind of like this whole 'bring out the old winners of the award' thing that is going on tonight. Kate Winslet won this one. I hope she doesn't freak out like she did on the Golden Globes. Stay tuned. I haven't seen The Reader yet. I didn't think she was all that great in Revolutionary Road, but maybe that's why I'm not a voter for the academy. Oh, and yeah, she's freaking out again. 

Best Actor. So the former winners are talking now. Do you think that former winners get an invite to the Oscars for life? I'm sure that the Best Actor/Actress winners get invited back, but how about the cinematographers and short animated filmmakers? Damn. Mickey Rourke didn't win. I'm sure Sean Penn was great and all, but I would've really liked to hear another Mickey Rourke speech. Oh well. Maybe he'll make another movie in another decade or so. 

Best Picture. They haven't announced this one yet, but I'm pretty sure Slumdog is going to win, so we'll just act like it's already over.

Alright, that's all. Yes, this is the last time that I'll be doing a running blog.