Thursday, January 1, 2009

Escape from the 1980s

The house that Kate and I bought in Charlotte was built in the Mid 1980s. We loved the location and the neighborhood, but the interior of the house was trapped somewhere between Mama's Family and Punky Brewster. We never met the previous owners. They were the only owners of the house, which means two things. 1. They lived/raised a family in this house, so interior design probably wasn't on the top of their to do list. 2. They have nobody but themselves to blame for the 4 bedroom time capsule that we purchased. Kate and I have learned the following about 1980s interior design during the past six months:

Popcorn Ceilings? Sure, why not? - Apparently people didn't think about their ceilings when they built houses in the 80s. We have (had) popcorn everywhere. Oh, and despite what the home improvement videos say, removing popcorn ceilings is a huge pain in the ass. This one is on the top of the list, as I've spent most of the past month on a ladder with a spray bottle and putty knife removing the damn stuff. Oh, and it doesn't just fall into a nice pile on the floor. It is basically the equivalent of having a bird shit on your head while standing on a ladder.

Brass Brass Everywhere - When we moved into this place there was more shiny goldness than a Run DMC video. Let's see, the fireplace frame, light fixtures, ceiling fans, electrical socket plates, kitchen hardware, and doorknobs were all brass. We have slowly been removing all of the brass goodness from the house. I've only got a couple of ceiling fans and doorknobs left. Once that is done, I think I'll melt it all down and make myself a tuba. I always wanted to have a tuba.

These Wood-Colored Cabinets really compliment the brass hardware - Before moving into this house, I thought that our only options for wood colored cabinets were something really light (like oak), or something really dark (like cherry). These people decided that to use some kind of medium colored wood. Their inspiration was either the inside of a ski lodge or the wood paneling that lines most saunas. After unhinging, sanding, priming, painting white, and rehanging, Kate and I are both experiencing early onset carpal tunnel.

They Say it's 10 year carpet, but let's get another decade out of it -If you buy a 25 year old house, the carpet really shouldn't be original to the place. Oh, but it was. I sort of wanted David Caruso and Gary Sinise to come here and do some mad CSI work on this dirty carpet. I know that David works in Miami and Gary is with CSI New York, but I thought that Charlotte would be a good midway point if they wanted to get together and swap stories about dead hookers.  Oh, and what made this old carpet even more fun (especially for me) is that Kate claims to have an enhanced sense of smell. Which means that until Lowes could get here to put in the new carpet, I would get to hear things like "I can smell [insert old owner's name] in my closet." How am I supposed to respond to that? 

I'm bored...let's drill more holes in the wall! - I never saw this on Growing Pains, Silver Spoons, or Family Ties, but I guess one of the leisure activities of the 1980s was just drilling or nailing holes in walls. We had holes in every wall. I'm starting to think that they got one of their kids a Black and Decker drill for Christmas one year and just let him go to town. I can't really explain this one.

If this was one of those fancy blogs, I'd include some before and after pictures here. But it's not, so you'll just have to take my word for it. Or come visit. The house is currently in a Rock of Love state. We've got one part from the 80s left (our Brett Michaels) and about 20 parts 2000s (those would be the skanky groupies). Maybe that's a shitty analogy, but it's the best I can do this morning.

Happy New Year from your friends at YIFY.

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