Friday, January 2, 2009

Food and Drink

So I'm back on one of my quarterly 'get healthy' kicks. No, this is not a New Years Resolution. I started a couple weeks ago to avoid being lumped into the stereotypical get healthy in the new year crowd. My motivation to get healthy was not an arbitrary calendar date, it was a television show. The season finale of The Biggest Loser was on 12.16. My least favorite participant (Heba) won $100,000. She was by far the worst character in TBL history, and she won 100 grand. This pissed me off to the point that I decided to lose more weight than her in less time. She doesn't know about this competition, but I'll kick her ass anyway. Stupid Heba. Other motivators included avoiding the airplane seat belt extender, being able to wear nice pants, and not sweating for no reason. Those of you who know me (I'm guessing about 98% of the blog readers) probably know that I have an uncanny ability to lose (and gain weight). My 'typical' weight range is usually somewhere between 190 - 310 pounds. And yes, I realize that this range is the size of an actual person (or 1.5 Olympic gymnasts). So the getting healthy thing for me this typically involves running more, eating less, and not drinking. 

I'll focus most of this post on the whole not drinking thing. I haven't had any alcohol in the past 17 days. Oh, which reminds there anyway to tell people that you aren't drinking right now, or that you haven't drank in X days without sounding like a recovering alcoholic? If so, I haven't found one yet. I think it's kinda like what Jim Gaffigan says about not being able to drink wine out of anything other than a wine glass without feeling like a drunk or a crazy person. When I tell people that I'm not drinking, I usually get one of two responses. The first is the honest response that I'm way more fun to hang out with after having a couple of cocktails. The second is something about alcohol not being that bad in moderation, or some recommendation of a low calorie alcoholic option (Jack and Diet, Guinness, Michelob Ultra, or MGD 64). 

I've given the second response some thought, and it's entirely accurate. Even if you have a handful of beers, that's really only about 500 calories, and that can be worked into a weight loss program. Especially if it isn't a nightly occurrence. What I've determined is that it's not the alcohol, but the fact that food goes so damn well with booze. My drinking food options usually fall into one of three categories:

1. Late Night Iron Chef MacGyver. This one only happens at home. It usually involves me and some sort of small kitchen appliance that we received as a wedding gift. We usually don't have a whole lot of food at our house. We'll have one main staple (which would be the Iron Chef part) and then a whole lot of random stuff (the MacGyver part). So it's me and a quesadilla maker or toaster oven making some magic. This one usually ends with Kate waking up in the morning saying something like "what the hell is the quesadilla maker doing out?" I could probably be smooth and say something about me having it out last night so that I could clean it, but the evidence of my turkey bacon, kraft single, and pretzel quesadilla is all over the counter. I wonder if the random uncle or parent friend who bought us the small appliance thought something like "oh, this will be perfect for Nate after a couple of Gin and Lemonades" when they picked it off of our registry. All signs point to no. 

2. Order by the Page. This one usually happens while watching a football game at a bar or maybe at a work happy hour. After being over-served, I have a bit of trouble making an appetizer decision. For some reason, everything on the inside cover of the menu looks fantastic. So instead of picking between the wings and potato skins, I just ask for page 2 of the menu, and get one of everything. Yeah, that's a great way to get to your daily recommended allowance of calories within an hour. 

3. Noah's ark. This one involves ordering two of something (usually everything). I think there are a couple of potential reasons why I do this one. First would be my hatred of sharing food with other people. I really, really don't like other people taking food off of my plate, even if it's a food designed for sharing (see wings, spinach artichoke dip, etc). So maybe I'm thinking that if I order two of something (everything), then I can have one for myself and one for everyone else to share. Or maybe it's just because I think that if I order two orders of potato skins, one will male and the other will be female, and then they'll procreate on the table and create even more potato skins, or at least some tater tots. After reading this last paragraph, I'm not sure which would be worse - being unable to share with others, or actually believing that my appetizers could create baby appetizers. I'd say it's a tie.

So there you go. It's not the alcohol itself, but the food that often (always) comes with it. Yes, I know there aren't many calories in a beer and yes and I know that I'm way more fun after a couple of beers; but I'm not drinking. Unless of course I get bumped up to the front of the plane...then all bets are off...the drinks are free up there. 


Matt said...

Oh I'm totally with you on the losing all inhibitions after a few drinks. Took awhile to get over, and I still have quite an urge sometimes to eat every chicken wing in Charlotte. Finally after flat-out ignoring that feeling of "just a little can't hurt" enough times, it's not as much of a problem.

Maybe you should start brewing your own beer so you'll appreciate how precious each one is....

Nate Romance said...

Thanks for the advice, Matt. One night, even the food on the Showmars commercial looked good. For those of you not from Charlotte, think of Ponderosa, then make the food a little worse and put it next to a dirty truck stop. Now you're almost down to the level of Showmars.

Anne P said...

Lol... this is an amazing post. I read Kath's blog and found yours through hers. Sounds like you had quite the morning!

working said...

I hated Heba too. She sucks.

Liz said...

I too just found your blog through Kath's and think it may be the funniest thing I've ever read.

I hapen to be at the library and trying hard not to laugh out loud

Nate Romance said...

Hey KERF fans,

Thanks for stopping by. I hope you come back and visit again. It's a daily blog, so come back often. Posting times depend on when I think of something somewhat funny to write about, and also depends on the day's television schedule. Anyway, thanks again, and spread the word.

Katy said...

Love the post ... (found your blog from Kath)

I laughed out lout at the "ark" rule. During the christmas cookie season, that was my typical snack -- two of every kind of cookie in the fridge. And there were about 8 kinds of cookies.


Tlove said...

Found you through Kath's blog. Have been reading some of your entries and already added you to my favorites!

Thanks for the laughs- I look forward to many more!

MaryB said...

I also followed the trail of oatmeal from KERF...can't wait to read the rest!

neimanmarxist said...

hilarious blog. found it through kath's. keep it up.

JustJen said...

You have me giggling. Maybe it will help me lose a couple pounds. Unless I try to make that pretzel cheese quesadilla thing you mentioned.

neimanmarxist said...

oh, and i am not blog stalking you but i did read the xmas post and i had to add that i know some people that write a christmas letter bragging about family member's accomplishments, only these things they say they do (Win the booker prize, synthesize nuclear fusion, etc.) are so outrageous that it is just a huge laugh. we always look forward to getting their letter.

Every Gym's Nightmare said...

You're joking right? You hated Heba more than Vicki? I didnt think that was possible. I cant eblieve that woman is a nurse

Kelly Turner

Becca said...

Love your sense of humor and writing style. I'll be stopping back :)

Nate said...

Neiman - feel free to blogstalk. I think that's how people make money on blogs. Ads are involved too, I think. Damn, ads, I knew I forgot something. Sounds like a fun letter. Probably a smaller step than making up an entire fake family.

Every - Totally agree with you on Vicki. She's pretty awful. I began hating her less when she bombed on the final weigh-in. I began hating Heba more when she won the money - and when stupid Ed got space on the menu at the restaurant. Made me long for the days of Matt and Suzy on TBL.

Nate said...

Thanks Becca - I think I'll print out your comment and send it to my 7th grade English teacher. It'll say something like: Still think I deserve a B+?

Or maybe that would be a little creepy...

Christie said...

I too found you through KERF. Glad I did, your blog is very entertaining! Although now I really, really want to see before and after pictures of your house. I disliked Heba as well but thought Vicki (sp?) was way worse. And your totally right about drinking and eating. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

It's always the drinking that ruins dieting for me too. Good luck!

Christy said...

Found your blog thru Kath's. Love the witticisms (is that a word?). Your rant on Heba sounded oddly familiar. I think my husband and I had the same discussion. I am thinking of starting my own blog. Thanks for the inspiration. Keep up the great work!

Chris Baggott said...

ok, first of all: Thanks for wasting my entire afternoon!!! I wish I never saw this blog.

The problem with you Nate is that you are not drinking enough. You have to quickly get past that limited period where you get hungry and go quickly to oblivion and sleep.

You can't concoct anything if your fingers don't function or you can't keep your eyes open.

My remedy is Tanquary, Lime and diet Tonic. Three quick ones in those 16oz red plastic party cups.

Recipe: Pack the cup with ice. Fill with Gin until you see the liquor through the ice. Add the juice from half a lime and fill the remaining area with diet tonic.

Couple of these at night watching TV and you will forget all about food, get to bed by 9 and up hitting the gym at 6.

Best weight loss program I've ever seen.

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